demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.