My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
According to math, I’m broke
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I have questions??
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
☠️☠️☠️
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move