I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
You Might Also Like
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Y’all know who you are.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak