If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up