ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Saturday
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.