12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it