I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.