Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
damn he’s good
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened