Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!