My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I know karate and tons of other words.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food