“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
🤣could you imagine
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.