Me trying to “trust the process”
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
this could fix me
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you