Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
In case you needed to hear it:
black phone good
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.