[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Rooting for the overdog
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
#CatsOnTwitter
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
One venti cheeseburger please.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?