GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
me adding lol on a serious message
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.