Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”