To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
What my back needs
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater