It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
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Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.