Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
You Might Also Like
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!