VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
live long and prosper!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.