I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!