* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
we’re dead?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.