you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
You Might Also Like
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Cake safety first. Always.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad