Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.