I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Some people were born into their job.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?