My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
You Might Also Like
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
the noise i just made
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.