I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?