Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Order here:
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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.