Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
what my late-night hot pocket sees
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.