Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn鈥檛 add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Good morning, Twitter x
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schr枚dinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schr枚dinger.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Before & after 馃槄
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Get a dog they said 鈥hey never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??