ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
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The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
How wrong was this guy?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*