Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.