Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“You’d better run, egg!”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I came this close!!!!
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING