Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.