running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
White Castle for the Win
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*