I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
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It鈥檚 so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
This squirrel eats better than I do
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: ok, we鈥檙e all tired, let鈥檚 go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
me irl
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that鈥檚 not my rule to enforce
Lawyer: Is there any chance they鈥檒l find the victim鈥檚 DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You鈥檙e tired. Why don鈥檛 we try making the birds tomorrow.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 馃檮
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.