I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.