Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food