Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.