told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
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A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Hmmmmm
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.