I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
That 👊
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here