gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
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doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.