BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.