All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
This dude got his own movie?