I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy