-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them