Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.