I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread