*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
seems fine
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.