teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.